Post by Bethany Miller

There’s a kind of grief I don’t think we prepare people for. The grief that begins before the goodbye. In my work as a death doula and in care management, I sit with families in that space all the time. A new diagnosis. A parent who is no longer safe at home. Siblings who suddenly disagree about everything. Decisions that feel impossible because love is tangled up in them. What I see over and over is this: people are already grieving while they are still caregiving. And if I’m honest, I’ve been sitting in that space personally too. I recently lost my cat after a long decline. It was slow. Tender. Complicated. And it reminded me how anticipatory grief works on us quietly, long before the final moment. It rearranges you. That’s why this next Death Over Drafts Monterey Bay feels important. What We Hold Onto: Grief Before the Goodbye. This evening is for caregivers in every sense of the word. Professionals who hold space all day and rarely have a place to set their own feelings down. Family members who are navigating shifting roles and complicated love. Anyone who can feel that something is changing and doesn’t know where to put the weight of it. We’ll use The Death Deck to gently open conversation. And we’ll spend time writing letters together. Letters to ourselves. Letters to family members. Letters to the people we love, making sure they know they are loved. Maybe even giving each other permission to move on when the time comes. Not performative. Not polished. Just honest. I’m not coming as the expert with answers. I’m coming as someone who does this work every day and is still very much human inside of it. If you’re in Monterey Bay and this resonates, I’d be honored to have you in the room. Death Over Drafts Monterey Bay What We Hold Onto: Grief Before the Goodbye